I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
