I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
