if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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