Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
