I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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