i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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