Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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