I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
