just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
