So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
