feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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