Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's rum buckets o'clock
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
