Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
