keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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