whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
