i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
