Say something about gay babies.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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