We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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