The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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