Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
