she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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