i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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