is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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