She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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