so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
