just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm like, not good at living.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
