Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
