She is in my trunk
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
