i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
