everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
