The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
