I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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