I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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