I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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