You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
