Well apparently he's into motor boating.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
