Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
