I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
