I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
