I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
