He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
