i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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