kristin has been a bad kristin
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
