Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
