Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
