thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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