Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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