Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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