I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
