Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
