I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
