I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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