I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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